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A TubeBooks Original

“Don’t Be a Monster, Dick!”

Look, it's a story about a guy whose penis falls off, turns into a monster, and then terrorizes the city. There's a military defense contractor, so there's a lot of toxic phallic imagery. Speaking of phallic, there's also a wannabe governor campaigning on state's rights to WMDs. Also, the eponymous monster dick may or may not jump across multiple bodies, regardless of gender.

A dude plays the flute. Another dude beatboxes. There's a restaurant called "Nips & Sips." Toxic masculinity meets the symbiotic power of creative expression ... but with lots of dick.

Critically, this is a story that will never be made into a feature film because there isn't a single studio or platform with the courage to go all in on all dick. I could tell you more, but let's be honest—you already know if you're going to read this one or not. Merry Penis, every one!

Don’t Be a Monster, Dick!

a full-length audiobook written & performed by Jordan Krumbine

A TubeBooks Original

“Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk, and All Out of F*cks!”

Abraham Owens may just be a lowly thug-for-hire, but that doesn't mean he's not the sensitive type.

In fact, he's super-sensitive, suffering from a debilitating case of empathy. The only way he avoids being overwhelmed by other people's emotions is through isolation and booze.

Lots and lots of booze.

Now, with his reserves run dry and the last of his cash gone, Abe is about to run fist-first into a chaos-loving maniac who's weaponized the local alt-right movement.

But what's a little racism between the Nazis, right?

After having the last of his cash stolen in a bar fight, Abraham Owens takes a gig from a former alt-right acolyte who's trying to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend. The kid thinks he has a shot at talking her out of the cult of personality, but first he needs to find her in the middle of a violent white supremacist rally.

Abe needs the cash and, well, it's not like he's got anything against punching Nazis.

The Full Audiobook

A Chapter-by-Chapter Playlist

Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk, and All Out of F*cks!

a full-length audiobook written & performed by Jordan Krumbine

About the Author

Jordan Krumbine is a Creative Wizard™ currently (and happily) bubbled in Hell's Waiting Room, where democracy, civil liberties, and old people go to die (also known as Florida). When not spinning short stories, drafting his next advertising-inappropriate novel, or quietly pounding out feature screenplays on-contract, he's working as a professional video editor and creative producer, playing with (and animating) LEGO, and not-so-silently begging for affection from his two motherfuzzers, Harvey Two-Cheeks and Crawl.

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

“[Publishing companies] should be looking at [him] now.”

(Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk, & All Out of F*cks!)

“A wild ride thru the bowels of humanity … let’s go punch some fucking Nazis!!”

(Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk & All Out of F*cks)

“The quintessential 20-something Orlando experience. Anyone who's lived through their 20s in the Orlando area will see themselves in this book.”

(Religiously Roasted Every Goddamn Day)

“Excellent writing [...] loved the story.”

(Florida Girls, A Short Story)

“Engaging, post-modern deconstructionist thought and critical race theory [...] Krumbine uses the character Zaphod Zombie to explore the nihilistic philosophical proclivities of our age.”

(Don't Call Me Zombie)

“I am not a reader, however I read this book over a series of my lunch hours at work and didn't want my lunch hour to end!”

(Don't Call Me Zombie)

“I didn't want to put it down.”

(Don't Call Me Zombie)

“Belle Delphine meets Saw.”

(#TextMe😘, A Short Story)

“Creepier than Black Mirror.”

(Pixel Perfect, A Short Story)

“Suspenseful, funny, poignant. Read now so you can say you were a fan from the beginning.”

(Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk, & All Out of F*cks!)

“This took a turn I was not ready for ... made me sick in exactly the way I imagine you were going for!”

(#TextMe😘, A Short Story)

“I haven't read anything that funny for a long time. Really good stuff.”

(Zombie Jesus Wants to Save Your Soul ... for Dessert)

“Wildly original.”

(Zombie Jesus Wants to Save Your Soul ... and 6 Other Short Stories)

“Reads in a Raymond Chandler Noir style.”

(Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk, & All Out of F*cks!)

“Weirdest story ever. Holy creativity, Batman!”

(Explorers of the Unknown vs the Geriatric Werewolves, a short story)

“The funniest yet most wholesome read I've had in a while. LOVED the dialogue.”

(The Worst Zombie Apocalypse in the History of Ever)

The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes

a TubeBooks Classics audiobook

TubeBooks Classics